Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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