Already got asked if we're dating
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
