Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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