just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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