you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
