You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
