Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
God gave him joint rollers for hands
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I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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