Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
