they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
