Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
