White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
