R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
