Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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