dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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