The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
