he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
