rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
