I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My ass is underappreciated
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
