i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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