my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
