TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
