The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
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i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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