Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
