i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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