Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
