you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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