Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
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So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
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I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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