Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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