just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
