I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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