I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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