i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i just had sex bonerless
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think I have vodka in my lungs
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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