new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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