Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
