We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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