Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
