Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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