guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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