There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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