My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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