Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
