dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
