This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
