Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Blood and glitter go together right?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize