this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
