***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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