smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Randomize
