she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
