I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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