My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
