Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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