dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
