Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
