Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
