I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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