I only kidnapped one of them. chill
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
