just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
