I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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