I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
